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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Clothing Optional

The dog just walked by me with balloons taped to him. I'm not really shocked. He's an affable pet, and our younger son enjoys arts and crafts with him.

"Why does Rusty have two balloons taped on his hind legs?" I asked casually.

"I was trying to give him udders like Kung Pow's." he said with a smile before running away.

Kung Pow is our neighbor's male dog who happens to be...ahem...well endowed.

My first thought was that I can't think of anything more demasculating for our dear family pet than for the youngest child in the house to notice that his package was a bit on the petite side.

My next thought was, Heaven Above, do I really want to correct my son's anatomical misnotions this morning without even having a full cup of coffee?

And, my final thought was, why must it always come to this? Will I never escape genital discussion? Can't they just quietly exist, fully covered?

Not in this house!

These days, our sons are never fully covered. That's my first problem. I guess fewer clothes means easy access/easy topic of discussion. Boy, have I fallen far from grace...

Our younger son has never been big on clothes. Ever. He's the kid who whips off his pants the second he enters the house. When he was much younger, he ran around with his diaper exposed. Now, he sports boxer/briefs. He is truly our sensory kid when it comes to tactile dysregulation. Pants are confining. I tried buying him pants with more comfortable elastic waistbands. That didn't work. Then, I switched to plain sweatpants. He shunned those as well. And, shirts? Long sleeves are out. This kid is not only hot on the coldest of winter days, but he doesn't like the confinement of long sleeves. Absolutely, there can be no labels. I have purchased an obscene amount of clothing in order to find something this child will keep on only to have a pile of unused clothing that remained most definitely off.

Our older son goes through clothes at an astonishing rate. It seems like he is always walking into the room with one item of clothing newly removed. Heaven forbid a drop of water gets on his clothes! It must be banned. In his mind, it doesn't even have the ability to dry. It must be washed and worn another day. Add toileting accidents to it, and you have a scantily clad kid and a huge pile of laundry.

Who told autism it had the power to set a Clothing Optional standard in my house? Yuck. I don't like it. I'm picturing my children, years from now, grown and in their skivvies. I see them on the couch, in front of the TV or computer, going about life at home dressed like some late night frat boys. Maybe one would be married? My future daughter-in-law will HATE me for this.

"Why don't you put on some pants?" I just suggested to our younger son.

"I don't like pants," he responded. "They are fidgety. When I wear them, I just can't wait to take them off"

Sigh. We're doomed. I think it is safe to say that high society is not saving a seat for us.

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