Control

Stand up. Sit down. Stan up. Sit down. Stand up.

All I want to do is get out the door, but I can't seem to get our older son out of his room. He's trying. But, things just aren't quite right.

Sit down. Stand up. Yes, this last one was good. He takes a few steps forward and sees that the hose on his trusty Dirt Devil upright is tilted just a little too far forward. This just will not do. He moves it back. Forward. Back. forward. Back. Ok. All is good.

"C'mon, buddy," I urge.

He takes a step forward, but it seems that he's stepped off on the wrong foot. So, he walks back to his place to step off once again.

Sigh. This is absolutely painful to watch.

Not every day is this bad. Our son hasn't been feeling very well lately. His chronic gastric issues are flared right now, and when he doesn't feel well, he tries to control his environment, how he lives, how he feels, who touches him and how he responds to touch---basically, he tries to control everything he can because he can't control the pain.

Hey, I'm no better. In years past, when he'd enter such a state, I met his attempts to gain control of his life with my own obsessive behaviors.

If he didn't sleep, well, I logged all of his food. Why isn't he sleeping? What food can I eliminate? Is there a sleep medicine I can give him in times of need? If so, what dose? How much is too much? Has he gone to the bathroom? If so, describe. Shall we put him on a sensory diet at home? If he responds, then we musn't deviate even a little bit. For, if anything works once, it surely isn't luck. This all takes careful planning, and I was the person in control.

The truth of the matter is, neither of us is in control. We are both desperately out of control in this life. I think it is safe to say it is scary for us both.

Our son is a prisoner in his own body. He has mature thoughts that he can't verbalize. He has a disability that nobody can fix. Very few people will actually know him as a person. These are all things that are out of his control.

I watch our son in pain daily. No matter how much we have tried to ameliorate his autism, nothing has worked. The chaos with two children with needs, the energy level, the crisis level--these are things that are out of my control.

Honestly, when our son stands in the middle of his room winking each eye five times before he can take a step forward, I would like to pluck my hair out one by one. However, deeeeeeep breath. Self control. He can't help it. Take the opportunity to breeaaatthhheee.

I think maybe I'm learning that the only sort of control I can depend upon in life is self control--and even that is shaky. lol. I think I'll stop mourning the loss of control in my environment and start working on myself a bit. We might all be a bit happier. :)