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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Divorce

Truthfully, if you ask, I can't remember how long I've been married. But, give me time. I can figure it out. Mama's just a little fried.

My husband is a really, really good sport about that and so much more. I poke fun at our crazy life and what it has done to our marriage, but that doesn't mean I don't every now and then consider the what ifs.

What if we couldn't agree on how to care for the many needs of these children?

What if one day we look at each other and don't recognize who we married?

What if we've grown in different directions?

What if we divorced?

Once a young bride full of hope for our future, I still remember looking at my groom as we said our vows. For better or for worse.

All those years ago, could we ever have imagined that one day we would be two ships sailing past each other in a sea of doctors, bills, hospitals, therapists, adaptive equipment, IEPs and CSEs?

I know that I didn't.

We sleep all over the house.

We eat at all hours--or not at all.

Looking hot takes a back seat to putting out fires.

We are buried. But, then, in the middle of some nuclear meltdown from one of our children, one spouse will cut the other a look, a look that says, "Are you kidding me? Is this really happening? How the heck did we get here?"

That's when I think, no, not today. Divorce is not going to happen to us today.





April is Autism Awareness month. Thanks in advance to all of you who take the time this month to think about those whose lives it touches and how we can make this world more autism-friendly.


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This entry was written in response to the letter prompt "D" in the Blogging A to Z Challenge April 2021.

32 comments:

  1. You may be two ships passing, but it's obvious your signals to keep close are strong. It's clear from your posts the admiration and love you have for your husband and I'm sure it's reciprocal. How lucky your little boys are.

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  2. You two make a very unique couple. You're lucky to have each other and your boys are lucky to have you as a team. :-*

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  3. The one thing person I can count on in my crazy world is my "steady hand Luke" husband. I thank God for him. Things are a far cry from perfect with all the kids--and all those stresses--but I know I can count on him. Yes, I am usually the one who loses her cool--and he comes along and calms me. *School girl sigh* We decided to take divorce off the table a long time ago and learn to deal. Ha ha-- besides-- I'm one hot mama and I sizzle! (his words not mine!)

    Cheers, Jenn
    http://www.wine-n-chat.com

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    1. He gets a gold star for saying that!! Sounds like you've got a great thing going. I know it isn't easy.

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  4. But it does to so many families facing these challenges. I keep wondering myself if there is some calm sea ahead for my husband and me... Are things going to get easier? Will we ever get some semblance of "freedom" again?

    Ann

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    1. There is so much "out there" this month about autism awarenes, acceptance and celebration. I was careful to write this post--careful because I wanted my autistic readers to understand that I don't think special needs are a death sentence. Indeed, there are so many magnificent qualities that come along with our special kids.

      At the same time, in those earlier years while your child is trying to grow, skills and behaviors are also still young. And, I do want to recognize our fellow parents who are working so hard to help their children grow. It isn't easy. We also have the job of helping society to learn and grow so that they can meet our families somewhere in the middle.

      And the you think, marriage? What marriage?

      I don't know that it will get easier.

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  5. Yes the trials are "really happening". But considering the love and commitment you two share, your marriage is "really HAPPENING!"

    Those good old vows we make are specifically designed because no one can possible 'imagine' what the future holds.

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    1. I work my vows daily. Yes. I believe my husband does as well.

      When I wrote this, I thought of special needs parents who are pulled in so many different directions that they become suffocated by life and fall victim to those "what ifs". It happens so much more often than it doesn't.

      Marital strain is a ripple effect of living with special needs. In honor of autism awareness month, I thought I'd mention it.

      I also have decided to start cooking for my husband again.

      :)

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    2. I am sure he will appreciate that! Has he been on that world famous weight loss plan; The Trickle Down Autism Impact Diet?

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  6. We stayed together by threatening a reverse custody battle. You get the kids. No, they are all yours. Hang in there.

    Catch My Words
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2012/04/atoz-dancing.html

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  7. I am so thankful to have two children with no special needs. I cannot imagine how hard it is to be a mother of a special needs child. I cannot begin to understand the strain it would put on a marriage.

    I do, however, sometimes wonder about divorce. I wonder why my husband hasn't left yet. I suffer with mental illness and I know that my husband must be an extremely special man to put up with me as long as he has, and to want to continue to put up with the challenges of being married to someone who can't function like a normal person. It sounds like you and your hubby have found very special spouse also. I pray you will be able to find a few moments every week to just be husband and wife and enjoy each other.

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    1. Hi, Brea. Thanks for stopping by and for your comment.

      I don't have the answers to marriage. I just don't.

      I can say that I don't look at our two children as their diagnoses--they are kids first. I have to think that your husband feels the same way about life with you. You are more than a diagnosis.

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  8. You are so lucky to have each other. My marriage went the other way, and ended in divorce. Enough said!

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    1. I can see how easily it happens! That's what I think as I go about this life of ours. It can so very easily happen...

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  9. I have two little kids at the moment (blink and they get bigger) and I know the whole feeling that there is a Hubby somewhere out there beyond the screaming match, beyond the evening routine of dinner bath, argument and bed, and I know that wonder at how we've both changed, how we both handle a situation differently and sometimes just how far away we are from ourselves.

    It pays to reconnect with Hubby from time to time. It is something that gets put off a lot and to be honest we are a family identity now and don't really like to drop the kids and go off by ourselves, it just doesn't feel right. But on those rare occasions the moon turns blue, we do...and spend the time talking about our kids. After all it is something we have in common.

    But something my Hubby said shortly after our eldest was born sticks in my head. He had just come home from work and I was hanging out the washing with little KJ in her bouncer out there with me. He walked across the back porch, straight to me to give me a kiss. I said, 'why didn't you go to KJ first?' And his reply was that I was the one he was spending the rest of his life with. He loves his children beyond belief, but they will move out one day and then there will only be us two. Children are transitory (well, kinda).

    It's a thought that has stuck in my mind.

    Congratulations on taking the big battle and winning it every day. My parents didn't and split and it impacted on me for life. In the long run, a parent's relationship is no longer just about two people, there are more people with a share in the pie and the pie is worth fighting for.

    Thanks for sharing yoru thoughts.

    Liz
    (who is obviously babbling this early before breakfast)

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  10. I so hear you in this post. You may well have been talking to other parents of autistic children, but you are also expressing your own concerns. Divorce in special needs families is very high because it splits the load by days, not by duties. In my opinion, anyway. But, and it's a big BUT, dividing that way means each parents has 100% when it's his/her turn.
    Divorce and divide are exactly the same thing. For you and your hard working hubs, it is just off the table. You're in this together for the long haul. Respect, love and dedication; the definition of marriage. I believe you have all three plus a sense of humor. BONUS!

    you know I ♥ you and all you stand and scream for.

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    1. Jo, you have a way of getting right to the heart of what I want to say--and often say it better than I do.

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  11. You and your husband are luckier than many. You both married someone who is willing to roll up the sleeves and dig in. That sort of "do what needs to be done" attitude eliminates one major cause of marital discord: resentment of feeling that you are in this alone.

    May you always keep your sense of humor, may you forever remember the people you were and are, and may the years and even your struggles help you to grow together and count on each other.

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    1. Thanks, Beth.

      Cut and paste what I said to Jo above.

      xo

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  12. Well I shall speak for the divorced peeps in the commentary here. My special needs child didn't cause my divorce, my ex's addictions did. If you are both willing to do the work and you can still remember that day and those vows, I think you'll be okay. What kind of chaps my hide a bit is that I am now thrown into that crazy high percentage of parents divorced "because of Autism". Bull. Autism doesn't cause divorce, special needs doesn't cause divorce, people that give up and can't see that "the crazy" is so worth fighting for cause divorce. Good post. My "E" post is actually about divorce...I'm getting weary girl....hope A-Z has a wine bar.

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    1. I have so much to say to everyone. I'm growing weary also, Cari. But I'm working toward that shirt!!!!!

      You also touch upon something I think about....how much one person may give in lifejust assuming that the partner is on the same page. My "What if" section didn't convey that priperly, but I was really thinking of what if you put aall this out there....and the other person doesn't.

      I guess that's what I should have said.

      You rock, btw.

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  13. All you can do is keep moving forward..... At least that is what I tell myself.

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  14. Divorce did cross our minds several times over the years, but we made it, just had our 24th anniversary, so it is possible. Everything you write about sounds so familiar to me, even if the circumstances are a bit different. Find time for yourself and as a couple. It's hard. But, you need it. You sound like you're doing great, and that's even better with all that you're facing! Time does pass before you're aware of it. New challenges to be faced - puberty is a real fun one! Keep going forward together with common goals.

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    1. I love how you mention to keep going forward with common goals. Yes. Good advice.

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  15. I have been through divorce once and it is devastating and liberating at the same time. I am so glad I found my husband and did it right the second time around. You are lucky to have found your soul mate. Great post. If you can deal with what you do and survive you will be together forever.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com/

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    1. Gosh, Kathy, I think and hope I have! Truly, we just stay the course. This life can be hard, and I just wanted to recognize that for other parents out there and to say that I think all of us get swallowed by life.

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  16. Coming from someone who is divorced, I hope you make it! It sounds like you both have your priorities on the right things and in time children will get older and the hecticness will calm a bit and you'll enjoy each other again.

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    1. I hope life will calm with the kids, but I don't trust that. I wonder if we will be just fighting different kinds of battles, particularly when they age out of state-provided services. Ugh...

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