GBE2 Challenge: Balance

I'm beginning to think that I'm primed and ready for the dunce cap with my blogging group. This week's topic is "Balance", but, seriously, people: If I had any, do you think I'd be running to a Mom Cave in a desperate effort to find my sanity?

What mom to special needs has balance? BALANCE? What the heck is that, anyway?

bal·ance

noun

1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.
2. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise.
3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!! Seriously? The only thing even remotely familiar in these definitions can be found in the second offering. Isn't that called wine? I know a host of prescriptive meds that many FINE moms have used in order to maintain their sanity in this life. I've always called them crutches, but who am I to argue semantics? They shall now collectively be called our balance.

Unfortunately, "balanced" parenting or lifestyle or emotional well-being, well, that's a whole other ball game, my friends. How does one get it? And, how does one keep it in the life of special needs? Hmmmm...well, I don't think I'm the right person to type any "How-to" essays on the topic.

I have a sad and sorry vision of our younger son in my mind, crafted partially from truth and also from a whole bunch of mommy guilt. In my vision, he's a grown man, lying on the couch in a psychiatrist's office, spilling his worries--worries that can all be traced back to us. My husband and I, of course, have ruined him.

Tell me, when only one parent is in a public location with both boys, and the older child, nonverbal and lacking danger awareness, bolts away at top speed, what is a parent to do? All too often, we found ourselves dropping whatever bags we had weighing us down and taking off after the older son, leaving the younger son behind. That's some great parenting there, born of necessity and certainly not balanced. As our younger son has grown, he's learned to just pick up that bags and slowly walk in the direction that he parent and brother ran, understanding that they will soon return.

I don't even want to know what he tells his future psychiatrist about this. Ugh.

When the kids have been on an outing, and the older brother unexpectingly goes through his current set of clothes but also the extra set that we always keep on us. How are the interests balanced when we have to cut the outing short and go home?

I hope that he will at least tell his doctor that we tried our best. Double ugh.

My husband and I, do NOT lead a balanced life. And, I venture to say that most parents in our shoes don't either. I think a more accurate statement is that most parents in our shoes live in constant pursuit of balance. It's the brass ring. We all want it and are reaching for it as hard as we can. We spend extra money on yoga when we really don't have the money to spend. We muster up the energy for girls' nights knowing that our kids will likely be awake the second we get home--all in an effort to break away from this life for a while. We create Mom Caves so that we can duck away from the fast paced insanity that is our daily lives, but, still, true balance is elusive.

Earlier this week I had an appointment with my general practitioner. My blood pressure was good, but she noted that my pulse was running high. It has been running high for a few months. At 41, I had my first EKG, which was perfectly normal. The racing heart is how my body reacts to a life that lacks balance.

One thing I desperately want to be sure of is that when our younger son is spilling his future emotions to his future psychiatrist about all of the emotional scars he has from our unbalanced parenting, emotions from the premature death of one of his parents isn't added to that.

Once placed in that context, blance has never before seemed so important.