Hi from the ER

I am sitting here at the bedside of my resting older son in the emergency room. Please, God, please keep him resting peacefully for as long as needed.I can't stand this place. It is always crowded, and one can never be processed in under four hours.

If this child wakes up, there is no chance of keeping him in a bed.

If this child wakes up, there is no chance of keeping him in this unit.

If this child wakes up, life is going to get even more complicated than it already is.

A little more than two hours ago, in the driveway in front of our home, he had his first "real" seizure. Not the kind where he stares blankly off into space for a minute or two. He started getting those roughly a year ago.

No, tonight's episode was very different. We were trying to get his brother and him into the car with their dad so that they could take an evening trip to the local mall for a carousel ride.

"From now on, this is MY seat!" announced younger brother as he perched himself in his brother's spot. A little smoke and fire from mom's nose, and he moved right over, grumbling the entire way.

It was the end of the day. We were all tying up loose ends and trying to wind down the day, and, amidst the chaos I saw our son turn against the inside of the open car door, what I first thought was spit being shot from an ornery child's mouth soon was my clue that our son was seizing.

Grabbing him under his arm to offer support I alternated between telling him what was happening to him and asking those around me for support.

The ambulance arrived quickly, and it wasn't long before I found myself in the back of it, beside my son, whose body was by this point lifeless on the bed beside me.

Sending texts to my support system, I remember thinking that I can't remove my eyes from him in case he seizes again. I rattled off the answers to their questions, that nice group of people around me.

"Does your son have any medical/developmental issues?"
"Is he on any medicine?"
"Does he have any specialists?"

Oh, friends....

I also distinctly remember thinking: so this is when and how that other shoe was going to drop.

There seems to be such a connection between seizures and autism, particularly as some kids enter puberty. And, given the complex case of autism that our big guy has, it has been a concern of mine for quite some time that one day as he experienced a hormone shift, we may experience seizures with him. Who knows, it may become a way of life in his later years.

So....today is "one day".

I've been here three hours with no word. I don't remember when my husband arrived after settling our younger son with his grandparents. Thank you. Thank you, Dear God, for sleep.

He twitches as he rests. Staff come in and out. With each departure my hope of answers is diffused.

The day-to-day fires in our home keep me pretty darned busy. Don't think I'm so together that I've actually read books about a stage of life I always thought we'd see but did not know when.

Since "when" has become "now", it looks like this is my latest fire.

A new unknown for us.

A new horizon.

Looking forward to the answers that will propell us forth.